"It's Like the Game Battleship!"

So this was the coolest article I've read all week:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/07/29/german.blind.cancer/index.html#cnnSTCText?iref=werecommend

They are using blind people to carry out breast examinations because of their extra sensitivity capabilities. How awesome is that to use someone's disability (or special ability) to be able to detect breast cancer at its earliest stages? If I ever go blind I want to be a booby savior!

Dumb bitches need to stay home!

So am I the only person who thinks that we should have left journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee in North Korea? I mean, per Laura’s more famous (or at least well known) sister Lisa, they acknowledged stepping into North Korea. See article:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/08/07/journalists.nkorea/index.html

Now, I wouldn’t want Bill Clinton for a husband, but I really like him a lot. And he obviously had many talents and great influence. But he should have left those two stupid bitches there and focused his attention on more important matters. They knew they were too close to the border. They acknowledged they went over it. They got caught. Waa waa waa. I don’t think I blame North Korea at all. Do they deserve 12 years hard labor? Probably not. But in my opinion, it was their own stupidity that got them into the situation, so why do we need to send a former President to rescue them, and make it an international incident.

The two of them are pathetic wanna-be journalists who give journalism and feminism a bad name. Christiane Amanpour never had to be rescued. She is a REAL journalist- smart and bad-ass.

Weddings and Hanukkah

So this weekend I attended a wedding in which Timmy was the best man. The 4th time he's been a best man! Who knew he had so many BFF’s? Anyway, I had never met the bride and had only twice very briefly met the groom. I also knew none of the guests. This was uncomfortable enough, but considering that I got divorced this month, it made for one sucky evening.

So as I was sitting by myself after the ceremony, while Timmy took pictures with the wedding party, it occurred to me that from my perspective, weddings are kind of like Hanukkah. In that both are a foreign concept to me, I’m not Jewish, nor am I a “wedding” girl. I have gone to, and been a bridesmaid in some very nice weddings. But whenever I go to one, I always feel like I am observing an unfamiliar cultural custom or tradition. I respect it, try to enjoy it, just don’t really understand it. Weird food, odd music, you need to bring a present, having to be touched by people- its all too much. Not that I judge people who have them, or Hanukkah celebrations for that matter…whatever makes you happy.

When I got married 10 years ago there was no wedding, just a humorously brief ceremony by a French wannabe priest named Jean Marc. In a chapel on the Vegas strip, across from Circus Circus, that has since been torn down. Elvis was there, but we didn’t pay extra to have him perform the ceremony. That was the first time. What do you do to follow that up? If there is a second marriage, I can’t imagine having a wedding then either. I just have a comprehension gap when it comes to weddings.

Especially second weddings. Its like, “no really, THIS time I mean forever”. How hypocritical. How many times can you stand up in front of your friends and family and make such an important promise? Liz Taylor did seven times. SEVEN. If I were her friend, by the 3rd or 4th time I’d be like, “damn Liz, this is getting out of hand- lets just get you a vibrator and a dog”.

This is the 6th wedding I have attended in the past year. No one else I know is getting married any time soon, which I think is a good thing. Perhaps by the next one we get invited to I will be over my cynical, bitter, divorced woman rant. But probably not.

Hey Hon!

This weekend we went to Honfest with our friends Stacey and Oscar to witness the mocking celebration of Baltimore and its inhabitants. Like the movie Hairspray- only taken up a notch. This 6' transvestite was one of my favorite Hons:

There were all sorts of interesting things to see. Why someone would feel the need to dress their tree in a bikini I don't know- but its harmless fun I guess:

My favorite picture of the day by far, was the following creative graffiti:

It originally said "100% deserve a boost", but someone with a spray paint can and a sense of humor changed it into the magnificent billboard you now see. Ahhhhhhh Baltimore! :)

Make YOUR tree taller!

This is the funniest thing I have seen all week:

I especially love when they discuss "your unique topographical features", i.e. BALLS! And the pictures they provide to demonstrate are fantastic! Who has personal topography that looks like that? But I guess they really couldn't show animation of a guy shaving his taint, so I'll give them a break. Yay Gillette!

Even if you are handicapped, you should still TRY...

When I was in college I befriended a girl who had no use of her legs and used a wheelchair to get around. She also had modifications made to her vehicle that allowed her to drive it. I have to admit I was nervous the first time we rode together, as her car had no pedals and was operated solely by hand controls. That day I learned that I needed to get over some of my preconceived notions about people's disabilities. She was an exemplary driver. Unlike the person in the following photograph:


Now, I'm not trying to be the least sensitive person on earth, but I really think that if you are handicapped you need to make an effort to operate your vehicle in a way that doesn't scream "I DRIVE LIKE I'M HANDICAPPED!". Don't give the disabled a bad name!

And yes, I know I am probably going to hell for this post.

Can you pee safely?

I was walking back from Quizno's the other day with Ambo and we encountered the following sign pasted to a mail box:

Apparently I live a sheltered life, as I had no idea this was a problem. I don't generally notice the other restroom patrons, but apparently some people do and take issue with their presence. According the the National Center for Transgender Equality, less than 1% of the adult population is transgender. But for those select few this becomes quite an issue. Do you go in the bathroom of the gender you were born with, or the one you have transitioned to?

The going philosophy (at least according to several web sites I checked out) is to minimize confrontation by using the restroom of the gender you most closely appear to be, and by adhering to the "principle of least astonishment". I can get behind that. I would like to avoid astonishment in the restroom. Although I am sure that the Bear and I have astonished a few men in the past when we were forced by necessity to use "their" rest room. I have no qualms about going in the men's room because I will be damned if I am going to pee my pants if I can help it.

Which is why it makes sense to have more "family" and gender neutral restrooms available like they do in places such as the airport. For use by trannies and for all those daddies who don't know which restroom to take their little girls to. While investigating this issue, I also stumbled upon an interesting interactive web site:

http://www.safe2pee.org/beta/

I guess this website is for that <1% of the population to find a "safe" restroom. There are exactly four places to pee in Baltimore. Check out your area. See if you can pee safely!

Jos. A. Bank can suck a wang

Apparently I have been feeding Timmy well as his best suit is getting to be a bit snug. And as it is unrealistic to expect to have a 28" waist forever, he paid a visit to Jos. A. Bank to cash in on their 2 suit and sport coat sale. After 35 minutes of being ignored and passed over by the sales people he left empty handed and came home frustrated.

What can we chalk this up to other than ageism? Because obviously a 50 year old has more to spend than a 26 year old, and thus deserves more attention from the sales staff. Or maybe not. Never mind that he needs those suits to go to his management position at a highly respected consulting firm for government contracts.

The thing that struck me about this was not the blatant discrimination, although that is certainly annoying. The thing that I found interesting was that unbeknown to me, I have passed out of that icky period where the outside world views you as no longer a child, but not yet a full fledged adult. When I enter a store, I now get an attentive "Can I help you ma'am?" Ok- don't love the "ma'am" part, but I get waited on without any trouble. It may be that now I look the part, with a 5 year old in tow and having passed 30, but I can't pin point when it actually happened. I'm just glad it has.

If the sales staff had not had preconceived notions about who was worthy of being helped, then tonight, Timmy would have a closet of new suits and a sales guy would have earned a nice commission. But that didn't happen. And that is why Jos. A. Bank (and all other companies that allow their staff to be discriminatory) can suck the big wang. Yes, I know- very mature for a 32 year old.

Long, strong, and down to get the friction on!

Timmy went and played ultimate frisbee last night at the park, and when he returned he related two amusing stories to me. The first was how he managed to clock his best friend's wife in the mouth. Accidentally, he says. Resulting in a fat lip for her and a cut knuckle for him. The second story was a delightful account of the antics of a dachshund that was also frolicking at the park. This of course, led to reminiscing of my late wonder-weenie Mitchell and how Timmy is now sold on acquiring a dachshund at some point in the future. Serendipitously, this evening, while reading the Huffington Post online, I happened across the following video:

I thoroughly enjoyed the article and video, although to be honest, it gives me great concern about the state and future of journalism. Economy and wars be damned- lets watch weenies! And so, to oh-so-appropriately quote Frank N. Furter from The Rocky Horror Picure Show: "One from the vaults!":

And just one more that also tickles me:

What is it about dachshunds that make them so inherently entertaining? Word play on the last two aside, would they have been nearly as funny if they had involved a labradoodle? I think not.

It would have hurt less to just write "Blue" on your collar

This weekend we made what is becoming our annual pilgrimage to Richmond to see the NASCAR Crown Royal 500 and cheer Jimmie Johnson on to a resounding defeat. It was an entertaining race with many minor incidents that resulted in 15 cautions which ties the standing record at the Richmond International Speedway. Beyond the actual race it was a feast for the eyes!

Some things I fully expected to see:


Some that I really shouldn't have been too surprised about:

*Yes- this man really has a tattoo that says "redneck" on his... well, his neck!

And then, we saw some things that were entirely unexpected:

As I have a personal policy against eating raw fish off the hood of stranger's 4X4, I had to decline their kind and generous offer.

After the race, we made our traditional visit to the Waffle House where the marriage proposal was, again- as customary, tendered and accepted over a bowl of cheesy grits. It was the best of times! Go Juan Pablo Montoya!

"Non-Kosher Agrarian Companion Dissaffection"- Oink Oink!

Ok, so I have to give credit to Christoph Amberger for the nifty title of today's blog (But the animal sounds are my own addition).

So if you know me AT ALL you already know how super excited I am this week- because what is better than an epidemiological abnormality? But is that really what we're looking at? Any person who has a familiarity with flu outbreaks/epidemics/pandemics knows that we were due for one this year! Since the deadly 1918 influenza pandemic (which would kill the equivalent population of 1.5 million Americans if it were to occur today), at 11 year intervals an almost clockwork-like flu incident of some note has occurred. The size and scope of each of these has varied, as have the original "host", if you will, but the regularity is alarming, and at the same time comforting to infectious disease junkies like me.

So recent history goes like this:
1976: Swine Flu
1987: H1N1 Swine Flu
1998: H5N1 Avian Flu
2009: H1N1 2009 Swine Flu!

For those old enough to remember the 1976 Swine Flu, an important lesson was learned that ought to be remembered in our current situation (and subsequently every 11 years or so). Gerald Ford's well intentioned flu-vaccine program turned into a fiasco with 40 million people getting vaccinated for a pandemic that never occurred. Bad enough that the pandemic never happened (all that hard work for nothing), but then there was an enormous backlash of lawsuits brought against the government and drug makers for purported cases of the neurological disorder Guillain Barre' syndrome. So that public health initiative was a big FAIL. And since then, we Americans have appeased ourselves into thinking that the flu outbreaks are "over there" in Asia- which they mostly have been- until now.

As of today things are interesting, its fun to watch it spread, especially quickly due to our global society. But its annoying that the media is talking pandemic- which this clearly (as of today anyway) is not. It is not even an epidemic- merely an outbreak at this point. Look up the definitions if you need clarification. But if you still want to obsess (like me!), you can track the spread of the flu in real time:

http://www.geek.com/articles/news/swine-flu-map-and-real-time-tracking-20090427/

Also, for a fantastic read on all types of flu and their historical effects on modern civilization try "Flu" by Gina Kolata. I owe her many facts in this post.


I leave you with a quote spoken a decade ago by a guy who knows his stuff:

"If a new virus gets identified or reappears you don't want to jump the gun and assume a pandemic is happening." - Dr. Keiji Fukuda, Head of the World Health Organization- Global Influenza Program

p.s. Wash your hands!

For a pedophile, he's a damn good singer!

Today was a rainy, sick-day Monday for me and the Bear. We ended up watching music videos on You Tube and I decided to show her the Jackson 5. My five year old little girl sat enthralled while a young (and still white) Michael Jackson sang "I Want You Back"
Our conversation went like this:

Bear: Why were they called the Jackson 5?
Me: Because there were 5 brothers with the last name Jackson
Bear: What were their first names?
Me: Um... Michael, Tito, Frito...no wait...

*** At this point the Bear made me look it up on Wikipedia- the right answer is: Marlon, Jermaine, Jackie, Tito and of course Michael***

Bear: What happened to him (Michael)?
Me: He grew up and turned into a white woman.
Bear: HUH?

After the Jackson 5 videos we moved on to Michael's solo work. And that's when it happened: she discovered the Thriller album. Released November 30, 1982, it spent 80 consecutive weeks in the top 10, and by most anyone's standards its one of the best albums ever. But my 5 year old doesn't know that- she just knows its "so cool". Particularly "Beat It", which we listened to 4 times in succession! With Eddie Van Halen's guitar work and Michael's melodic angst its irresistible.

The special coincidence on this rainy day is that my daughter is almost EXACTLY the same age that I was when the album was released 27 years ago. This was pivotal in my young life. I still clearly remember getting chills when Vincent Price did his monologue in "Thriller". Sharing this with her, at this time in her life was one of those moments in parenting that you could never plan and is just too precious for words.

So is my daughter's new affinity for Michael Jackson a weird genetic predisposition? Or is 5 years old just the perfect time to be introduced to the work of an incredibly talented artist who lost his own childhood at such a young age?

If I were that girl's mom I’d skip Mass this week…

I have to admit that I am over a month late on picking up this news story- which is dismaying in itself. However, despite the time that has elapsed since the article was first ran in Time on 3/6/09, I feel it deserves attention:

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1883598,00.html?iid=sphere-inline-bottom

A brief summary:

A 9 year old girl in Brazil was raped by her stepfather and impregnated with twins. Abortion is generally illegal in Brazil, except for in cases of rape, or if the mother’s life could be in danger. An abortion was performed, as the 9 year old girl clearly met both of these criteria. The Catholic Church of Brazil has excommunicated the family of the girl and the doctors who performed the abortion.

Hmmm. If I were that girls mother right now, I might be questioning my religious affiliation. Now really, who thinks it’s a good idea for a 9 year old rape/incest victim to attempt to carry and deliver twins? Seriously… anyone?

My mother was a rabid pro-life advocate as I was growing up. We had boxes of pamphlets with dismembered fetuses on the covers in our basement and she would drag me to pro-life marches where we would hold up signs saying “Choose Life”. That was scarring to my young mind… but I digress. Even in with her strong convictions, she would not support this kind of insanity.

Now, I don’t like abortion. I think in most circumstances it can be avoided, through good birth control, or other alternatives like adoption. But when people, and institutions take a stance like this one it makes anti-abortion people look absolutely nuts! Of course, those same people wouldn’t want you to teach their children anything other than abstinence only sex-ed or to use a condom to prevent an unwanted pregnancy either. You can’t have it both ways folks!

lickalotapuss and lent

Today, my lovely assistant Ambo and I made what turned out to be a fruitless trip to Staples to purchase office supplies to complete our marketing project. Ok- we really we just wanted to get out of the office and go on a greasy breakfast run. We visited "Corky's Grill",
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which operates as a bar where you can drink with all your neighborhood buddies and also get your scrapple and egg sandwich. Its a dive, but its great. Anyway, as we perused the menu, Ambo lamented the fact that it was Good Friday and she couldn't eat meat, and would thus need to order accordingly. I know she was raised Catholic and had her knuckles rapped by the sisters on many an occasion. I also know that she is now a hardcore lesbian. I said to her "Since you are already committing 'unnatural' acts on a regular basis anyway, do you really think God will smite you for having a sausage and egg breakfast sandwich on Good Friday?" She supposed not and joined me in greasy meat indulgence. Just a commentary on how we sometimes get stuck in how we are raised and fail to remember that we're grown up now. And for whatever its worth, I truly believe God loves both lesbians and scrapple.